Posted by BillyBob on November 23, 1998 at 18:10:47:
Sexual aids
A greasy butter wrapper, properly inserted, can turn any old hole
into a tolerable fuck. Bung one into the hole of a tree and you
could be fucking Madonna. It can get madly exciting, especially if
there's a hornet's nest in there too.
Women will find that a swipe of a butter wrapper over a live ornamental
carp will turn it into a very acceptable substitute for a ten inch
vibrator. It thrusts, it vibrates, it flaps, it uses no batteries,
smells the same, and best of all you can eat it afterwards. You can't
say that for the Don-Kee Latex Dildo.
Men, don't ignore the humble squeege-spounge mop! Dip it in warm bacon
grease, fold it around your cock using the convenient lever provided,
squeeze, and you have the perfect quicky. No cum to wipe up afterwards
either. It cums ready mopped.
Men- find yourself a ripe cantaloupe. Now cut a pussy sized hole in one
side. Not too big, not too small. OK, if you like you can put it into
the microwave for 10 seconds to warm it up. Nice and wet and warm and
juicy? Do yourself a favor, put your cock in there. MMmmmmmmm! Does
that feel like pussy or what? Hang on, don't fuck it now! Well, you can
if you want, but that's beginner's stuff.
The male equivalent of the washing machine has always been the vacuum
cleaner. Because it sucks, we assume it gives a blowjob. In practice,
it whangs your doings hard against an iron ring and keeps it fluttering
like a balloon in a wind tunnel or- in the case of those little car
vacuums- it chew two inches off of the end of your cock.
To satisfy a real man, a vacuum cleaner requires a little preparation.
First, find a spare hose for your cleaner. make a hole in it about four
inches from the end where your fingers conveniently fall when holding
it to your groin. Now select a large melon, cutting a hole the size of
your cock, and remembering to warm it in the microwave some. cut four or
five small holes into the other end of the melon, and place over the end
of the hose. Turn the cleaner on and off a few times to check for good
suction inside the fruit.
Switch on and insert the penis inside the fruit. Now by closing the hole
you made in the tube with your finger you cause your cock to be sucked
deep inside the warm, juicy, smooth orifice provided. Take your finger
off and it's released. In out, in out- the perfect blowjob.